The Fat, Stupid, Overachieving, Skanky Leaders of Tomorrow

As we age and slowly fill in the boxes on the list of things we'll never do or be ("piano prodigy" - check, "Tae Kwon Do Champ" - check) and our peers inch their way up various ladders, periodically letting the world know of their successes through alumni letters and Times wedding announcements, more and more we find ourselves closer to the top of that awful bell curve. Then, once and a while, a report comes in about the next generation. (CNN)

They're too hefty. They're too rude. They can't spell or converse worth a damn. They're overstressed and underloved. Not only do these reports cancel out some of the achievements and sexual experience our younger competitors collect in middle school, but knowing that you weren't even close to fat in sixth grade - no matter how much chocolate milk you drank - gives you the schenfreude-fueled confidence to face another day of 401k-free existence.

Thank you Children of America - you truly are our greatest resource. Stay young. Stay slutty. Stay stupid. Stay gold.